Today I am exactly 18 weeks out from my 40th birthday. This last year has been such a tornado of emotions, trying to find myself, deal with issues, be a mom, be a wife, start a non-profit for women in need, lose weight…oh I could go on for an hour. One night I couldn’t sleep, full of anxiety, racing thoughts, depression, excitement, you name it and it hit me…I am having a mid-life crisis!!! Me. Going crazy. Worried, anxious, desperate to make it all happen, transform, catch up and re-configure everything in my life before I turned 40. Its not like the type of mid-life crisis that makes you buy a sports car and cheat on your husband, its the kind that throws up this giant movie screen and my life plays out before me and I ask the tough questions and evaluate why I haven’t accomplished these things I know want in my life and that I know are my calling and why I am not living the life I desire so much and why in the past I did this or accepted that…which has led me to living this last year sorta like a player in the amazing race show. I am in a manic race to get it all right before 40. I have been hunting down clues, striving for prizes, and am obsessed with the finish line.
I have made a lot happen in a year, and I am quite proud of that. But I have also made myself feel a bit overwhelmed as well. The good thing is, I have clearly defined who I am and what I don’t want anymore, I have set out on a path that otherwise I would have him-hawed around for another 100 years, and I have taken a deep look at myself with a relentless desire to correct the wrong and bring out the right.
I know my story cannot be unique and I know by sharing the ups and downs, the hilarious and the tragic I will find a community who too has traveled this path and has much insight to share. And at best I hope to inspire others to take the challenge and join the race to have your best life.
I am just a mid-west girl raised in a seemingly conservative family with a lot of crazy mixed in along the way. Its all made me who I am today and I wouldn’t trade a day of it. If I’m at the mid-way mark then I am ready to tackle the second half with all the wisdom from the first half. I always say I would only want to go back in time if I could retain the wisdom I have already attained, well, I want to live with that knowledge going forward. Live from the end, backwards. What will they say about my life, how did I live it, who did I have in my life, what did I do, what mark did I choose to leave???
So here I go…ready, set, start therapy…